"Torsk pĺ Tallinn : A film about lonliness"
I think I'm a...
I think I'm a man in his best years, now...
I have... A respected job, and...
...a nice house, and...
two cars.
Three siblings, I have...
It can get a litte rough with, so to speak...two,
women under the same roof, yeah...
It's... I... I guess... It will take a while for them to get used to eachother.
Mom does surely have a bit of a temper... And can have a problem with other people.
Too much bullshit, here at home you know.
I'm going there to get a dip! I'll pay, if it comes down to it.
Such damn bullshit; life-partners and such shit...
Eh? Hahaha!
I'm just going down there to get laid, but what the hell... That's how it is!
That's not anyone else's business...
Having to get married just to get a fuck? What damn bullshit!
Oh! Hello. (I'll call you back, alright? They're here and.. They've got a camera. Call you, bye.)
Alright! Good. Nice, you've got the camera and all... I thought we could have a chat about the trip.
Yeah... I just want to talk a little, since I dont know what kind of impression you have of me, and so on:
Perhaps I could fill in?
Welcome! Nice to have you here. Please, do enter. Excuse me for not having cleaned.
Please, do enter.
Would you like me to take care of your coats?
Pork filét, quite splendid for the weekend and so.
I always remove the tip of the cucumber -- you never know what it can have been exposed to.
Then I usually snipp them.
Oops, the plastic is burning a little. I was forgetful.
Pork filét fried like this is juicy, delicious and firm.
One or two filéts become nice mini-steaks, in the smaller household.
Yumm!
Here is my little recipe-chest.
It's great: meat-dishes is green, fish-dishes brown.
(talking to himself:) Roland, you are welcome.
Yeah... Well the idea came from Lembit Metzik. We met on the street once when I got a parking ticket.
So, he came up to me and told me he was from Estonia. And I told him; yeah, I run, so to speak, a travel agency.
So he told me there are a lot of women in Estonia. Who look for men. Swedish men.
And I explained that in Sweden we do have a lot of men, looking for women.
So that, we put our heads together, if you like.
What are you doing?!
I was out on a job, last week. Emptied a three-chamber sewer, and
The guy in the house walked up to me and
said: hey... "how does it feel to be a shit-guy"?
"Well," I said: "It's your shit."
I think that was well said, by me.
There's something wrong with the fat.
And would you believe?
That damned fat, which stinks so bad,
gets shipped down to Norrköping.
And guess what they make from it? Lipstick! That those old witches, those old witches, that's what they put on their lips!
The trash I've been down in; and it smells like Satan! Those bitches put it on their lips!
Hey! Remember that next time you put on lipstick, that is Lennart's fat-disposal that you are wearing!
You know, here there aren't so many to choose from...
There's that woman Louise. But... Everyone has had her.
There's a lot of stuff in this tax-free list.
Perhaps you could get me something? -- Well what would you like?
This is great! I am so satisfied with this suitcase.
I'm going to bring it when I eventually travel the world!
I think you have to dare to take chances...
Being honest is important, I think.
They are like us; they are also sensitive.
The hard thing will be to start a dialouge. And feeling that you can give and take.
That they understand what you say... Or maybe there will be some kind of translator there?
Here's my passport. It's the new kind!
I could choose from different colors; there was black and a boring gray color. No good. I chose the red.
Do tube socks look good?
You know, you should ask the woman...
[bla bla]
Ehm...seventeen...eighteen...23 costs: the arrangement in Tallinn is set up by my Estonian colleague Lembit.
I dont dig around in that...
I don't go without 23.000kr. If I can get 10 people, I make profit.
Eh?
Subtitled by: Alex Tahir, 2002. (C) Sveriges Television AB, Sverige
I just feel that maybe you have gotten the wrong impression of me, from this trip, and I would like to fill in.
If it is needed, you know... I don't quite know how you will edit the film. But if it is needed.
Under sober conditions like these, I am glad to project an objective and correct image of myself.
"Hey mister ... you wanna fuck my dick?"
"You wanna fuck my dick?"
"Cock!"
Phsyically I was there. That is correct. But I was not participating in the arrangement (meeting women).
I did not go on this trip of the same reasons as everyone else. And I dont think that you were aware of that...right?
I think that you think, that I went, to find a woman, or...?
Isn't it so?
"Oh a porno, how nice... so damn good!"
I don't believe that you have that. I dont believe that you have video proof of that.
We actually have a lot of photage of you Magnus. You were doing a lot of things that evening.
What kind of... (Well it is) Wait! Wait, wait!
What kind of photage do you have, of me? That I apparently am not aware of.
Go ahead and show me this fabricated photage.
Lennart's plumbing, hello?
Oh hello sweetheart! Yes, I am on my way home. Yes, almost home now! Love you, darling!
Bye mother.
Higher up!
I collect these to have as memories... I even take notes.
Here it reads: the dance binder.
Here is Bert. From Bert Idolph's dance-band.
I spoke to him once! He is very nice.
Here's my favorite song!
This is Göran Lindbergh's Orchestra!
"After rain comes sunshine!"
I think that is a great saying!
There is hope, it means.
There is a new day, and so forth.
[his] [hers]
It's like going on a little adventure.
Then you have to wait and see what happens.
So far, I haven't found anyone but... That's what one hopes for.
It will only be a little prick. Like that...
[Oooh...] It will be alright.
Gosh, it stings!
Now we are done.
Are we done?! [yes, we are done.]
My butt hurts.
Where are you going, again, I forget.
To Tallinn.
To Tallinn? I thought you were going to Thailand.
No, Tallinn.
But Roland, then you wouldn't have had to taken all these shots!
Is mamma going to be sad now, when Lennart is going away?
Yes...
It's only for a little while.
It will be all right, little mamma.
So practically, we start the trip, and we drive south.
On the way to Stockholm, we collect all the travellers.
Usually, they aren't from the cities, you know, but from the countryside, primarily.
This is a sophisticated business. Very very sensitive.
Is this the screw-bus to Tallinn?
Hahaha... Silence... Then we are right.
This trip is a de-luxe arrangement.
That, I dare to claim. Without exaggerating.
Yes, we are running serious business.
Will there be breakfast served? I'm freaking hungry. ["bah, shut the fuck up..."]
I'm a little nervous. It's the first time I travel abroad!
I do know some english... Maybe I will have to try that.
I wonder how this will turn out...
Soo... I sincerely welcome you to this bus arrangement.
My name is Percy Nilegĺrd and is your tour guide, and CEO for Globegĺrd Insentive Trips.
I have arranged get-togethers for 4 years now, and can guarantee you an experience beyond the regular.
I assume many of you are expecting much, many thoughts, wonderings, that will be realized on this trip.
Although nothing is for sure, on Amor's crooked roads.
As said, we are driving up to Stockholm, to take the Estonia Ferry; it will take a few hours.
Your driver today is Lasse Congo, who is a very skillful, respected, proffesional.
In Estonia, you will get to know my colleague Lembit Metzik.
Why is the butter laying around here? It is supposed to be in the fridge.
The fridge is broken.
My good friend comes over with the men,
I pick the women, there are always even pairs.
He tells me the number of men; I bring over the women needed.
They meet, they converse, and then... They get to pick...
Welcome, as I said earlier. Dont be shy to ask any questions! Your trip, our duty. Thank you.
What's going on? Is anything wrong?
(Percy speaking) "We take the bus: a Scania 79 model. De-luxe equipped, of course.
With heater, as well as equipped with surround sound.
There is no need to panic. We have just experienced some technical difficulties, but were successful
in pulling out this little african medal-string from the engine.
We will stop for lunch soon, at Hasse's Candy Factory in Örebro, where you can purchase
mars-mellows and other defect confecture, cheaply priced.
Will it be cheaper than regular price?
Yes there is a good chance of lowered prices.
What are the defects?
Usually it is discoloration.
Well, how about listening to some special music that I have chosen for you...
Hopefully, it will make you think about this and that.
Gerhard Johnsson? -- Yes, I am here.
Apply this ID-tag well noticable please.
Yes, you will need to keep it on for the whole trip.
Jan Banan!! Is there a Jan Banan on the bus? -- Yeah, back here.
Fucking answer when I call you... -- Alright!
Is Jan Banan your real name? -- Yes.
Most guys will go for the prettiest women... You gotta buy them stuff, gin tonic, shots, and that kinda stuff.
It's fucking expensive.
It's true, isn't it? Slobodan and I go straight on the second class stuff [women].
Damaged goods, hohoho!
It's kind of... Yeah, it's not great. It's those women no one really look at, but..eh, you never know.
I don't want you to make this movie on erroneous grounds, projecting me as having participated in some kind of... Yeah, slut-trip, or whatnot.
[Turn of the camera.] Respect that. Cause I did not have those intentions.
Well, I dont know what kind of person you are, and how you can cut and paste your pictures. What I know is that the techniques have gone quite far.
And the images of me there, would probably be sufficient for you to produce some sort of devil image of me. I think so.
Pee-pause, lunch, availability of confecture-purchase. Staying for three hours.
Are those more expensive? 4:50kr per hektogram here, right? And these are 6:75kr or so?
It read's Hasse's Strechy Men [note: a sort of candy in Sweden]. Let's buy it!
What a funny picture on it too... A man running!
Some more vodka please, Lasse. -- We would like to leave now, if possible.
What? -- We would love to leave now. -- You have to wait. It is lunch-break now. Congo has to rest, or the trip could be dangeruos.
Hold on guys...
Everyone should be in the picture. This is great!
Who are the most handsome? -- We.
Who are the best? -- The Tallinn-98-team.
G55, Göran five five.
[private]
G49, Gustav four nine.
Bingo, anyone? [bingo = swedish lotto]
Roland! -- What happened to Brown 7? -- It hasn't appeared yet.
Keep in mind the large bag of Hasse's Confecture Men, without arms, is in the jackpot!
G61, Göran six one.
V31, Vladimir three one. -- For God's sake, turn down the volume of the speakers...
G57, Green five seven.
Bingo anyone?
There should definitely be a bingo winner out there, by now.
Can't you turn off the speaker? It's just Roland up there playing, anyway!
(Roland) Bingo! -- (Percy) Did I hear a bingo?
Do we have a winner?
I think so yes, I have three in a row. 67, 61, and 70.
That makes a row.
But four numbers are missing. We didn't call 74 yet.
Oh, I need those as well?
That is correct.
I thought you said in the beginning that three rows were enough... -- No, I have never said anything like that.
(Lennart) Just give him the damn candy, so we get some peace.
Who had gases? -- Me...
Use this bag, please.
(Lennart) He had gases, he said! What the hell do you give him a nausea bag for?
That's the best we can do.
Just fart in the bag.
Let's keep it clean in here. I do not wish to hear any profanity referring to genitals, etc. etc.
I have recieved information from my colleague Lembit in Estonia.
He has told me that no less than 30 women, have been found to participate for tomorrow evening.
30 of them? -- That's right, 30.
The ratio is 1:3, those are very good numbers.
Are there any pictures? --Yeah, yeah, there's a Belarusian woman too by the way.
Two elegant ladies from Belarus, actually.
Hey, let me see that, let me see. -- And two slovanians. Hey Slobodan, that's something for you, isn't it?
Let me see! -- Damn straight! -- Send back the pictures!
Babes, babes, babes!
Does it say which names go with which women?
Great ratio... Great!
[Stockholm]
These are the rules: everyone stays inside the bus.
What? Are we not allowed to get off the bus?
No.
Wait a second! There are no rooms for us? -- No. Security reasons.
But on the way home, rooms are included.
Aren't we even allowed to go upstairs and dance, in the bar?
No, that is exactly what you can't do.
What kind of fucking bullshit is this?
There are not a lot of guys like Lasse Congo, I tell you.
It's so damn complicated, I think...feelings.
It's like...I don't know. It's the longing for someone to hold close. There's something about that.
Okay Lasse, play a card!
Well you have to put something on the table.
Damn it, you got so pissed.
You have to be able to take a loss, for God's sake!
Goodnight Congo.
We are now getting off the ferry, and will continue towards our destination.
Oh! A railbus! How much does it cost to take a ride?
It would be fun to try. Is it possible?
It will not be possible, no.
Tallinn is a beautiful city, but unfortunately is our hotel not located inside the capital, but a little bit outside, in a charming suburb called Paldivsky.
Hey Lasse, I think that I know the problem, would you like some help?
Congo, how's it going?
Alright guys, we are getting close to the hotel now!
Here is the beauty. Please follow me when we get off the bus, and I will lead you to the...yeah.
[Swedish national anthem]
At 17:00, we will gather in the main hall, and the women will be there already.
I'll just take this women, yeah here give me that. See you all later.
God damn, aah...
What are you doing in here with the camera?
(Jan Banan) Yeah baby, it was good for me too.
What the hell is the camera in here for? Get out!
What are you yelling for? I gave you the money already!
Oh you are here! Hello. What a temper she had, haha.
Yeah, these are the rooms. And now it has been initialized.
We will stay at a hotel called Paldivsky Palace, a four star hotel, right outside Tallinn.
Everybody has their own room, bathroom, shower.
The main activities will be carried out in the hotel's conference hall.
We have chosen to use the luxorious facilites, to reach maximum comfort.
The hotel keeps very, very high standards. Lembit's wife sometimes works with us too.
She is responsible for decorating the facilites. We try and reach the very atmosphere that our customers expect.
I'm not looking for a woman. Just checking the place out.
We have a certain system here, where everyone is given an identification number.
And of course you have to keep them on for the rest of the evening.
This so that Lembit and myself will be able to identify the couples, without having to use names.
So we are using this number system. It is always fine with everyone.
If everyone have to wear them, they you will damn well also have to. No one here likes them, but they are the rules. Now put it on!
Everyone wait here, for five minutes.
The ladies for tonight!
Fucking get closer! We practiced five times, now come on!
Shit, are you wearing boots again? I told you shoes, didn't I?!
[in Swedish] Welcome to Estonia.
I've been keeping my eyes on number 9.
When the meeting starts, the women are not allowed conversation with the men immediately. My ambition is that everyone first gets an equal chance.
I think I'll have number 9 though. I already decided.
I am sorry, you can't do that. First you must speak for two minutes to each woman.
I don't give a shit, I'll have number 9. -- What? -- Number 9.
You gotta wait.
Not now. Turn it off.
Can't we just start 11 with 11,and then rotate?
Shut the fuck up for a second, alright?
I'm trying to arrange something here, just be quiet.
I place the men at a pre-selected table.
Just shut up! Please!
Slobodan, table number 7.
Table four, for you. --Four? But after...Ok, sure. Fuck it.
Alright, let's start the clock.
Talk, talk! -- Now you are allowed to converse with the women.
Remember the women's numbers now, ok? I don't wanna see any names on the list.
Hey, I've got some of this stuff...We call it Bulldozer.
Rotation!
Rotate clockwise, that signal means.
Percy what the hell! I almost had her there... -- Just sit down, there will be more women.
Hey, look over there! There.
This is for you.
This is how long men and women spend time together; for starters, 8 hours are lost to working hours...
I am a model. I am very rich.
Oh sure, I cook. Preferably pork filét. With pineapple.
Work has to be done, and the salary used with care. And after that, there will be 8 hours, primarily for the relationship.
She says you are quite interesting.
Did she say so?! -- Yes. -- That I am interesting?
I call this time ISL. Intimacy, sensitivity and leisure. This is the most interesting part, I'd say.
What the fuck are you doing? -- Yes? -- Go sit by the tables. Go!
Did she like it? --Yeah. -- Good, cause I like you too. I like you. I feel strongly about this, I'm sure it could work out.
What is your name?
Lennart. Sunström. -- My name is Luule.
Stop! Stop!
Svetlana will collect the answersheets.
I'm not done yet!
When you have chosen three, can you fuck them all or what? -- No.
Excuse me. Percy, I am a bit anxious. Is there a number three in any of the girls' first choices?
I haven't had time to check yet.
No.
Maybe in the second hand choices? -- No.
Not there either? How about third hand choices? -- Yes, there should be some 3's there... No, sorry.
We have to start the dance now! It begins in half an hour! -- (pretending to understand) Yeah sure. Absolutely. Yes. That sounds like a great idea.
So no number 3, in the third hand choices either? -- No.
Congo! Bust out the cards.
Welcome to the dance of the evening!
It feels like maybe it will be us two!
[Slobodan rocking the floor!]
Your name is Cock! Your name is Cock, mr. Cock! Haha, look.
Percy? Come quickly, there is fight downstairs! Lembit too!
I can't even play some damn canasta...god damn.
Stay here.
That idiot touched my wife!
Tell him!
He fucking started it!
Calm down!
The fucker punched me!!
Lembit is married to Svetlana, god dammit.
She flirted with me! -- Hell no, she did not.
We made out! -- No you didn't! Now shut up or I'll punch you!
I've paid 3000kr to have sex, no Estoninan bastard will stop me!
Now calm down, god dammit.
Lembit, dammit! You can't hit the old bitch! [referring to Lembit's wife] Calm down.
There is a girl waiting for me outside...
Eda? [the name of one of the women]
A woman from Estonia... If she would come here, sure, if I brought one home... And she would live here. She would live in a higher standard. That is alright, you know...
I feel that... Dammit, I am sure that she would be very glad to come to Sweden. We could get kids, we would raise them... So it is almost like she paid back what I gave to her.
Sweden.
She told me that she found me interesting!
Hehe, he isn't ashamed of it, that chap.
Hey Lennart! Come and listen by room number 8! Things are happening inside!
Look at that. The mirror is even shaking, from the wall...
Oh that does it!
There is some noise here, over at room number 8, Percy.
Jan Banan and Slobodan are making love to two women... -- Shut up!
It's like a god damn apehouse in there!
I'm asking you; are you going to draw the limit, or will I have to do it myself?
Shut the fuck up!
Hey! Hey!
You can fuck later, on the boat or something...
Try to appear somewhat Christian.
You're a guest here, in Estonia. Not a monkey in Africa.
What are you banging on my door for?
What are you doing in here?
Fucking...
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? What is this...
Hey, the idea with this trip is to get wifes, right?
Precisely! Your own wife, but not Lembit's wife! God dammit!
This is my room. I do what I want. -- No!
Roland...
But that was Eda! -- No, no... They all look the same.
Roland? Go to bed and jerk off instead.
I guess we are going back home, to the lonliness.
Yes, mamma, that's how they sound, the Estonians.
Her name is Luule, she says.
You did not get one? Not even that blonde one? No?
Me neither, but it was fun seeing Estonia. It's like home, but different.
You are not bringing that bitch on my bus!
The bus is leaving now, and Lembit's wife stays here!
I love her.
Love her? End of discussion. Lembit's wife stays here, and my question is: are you coming with the bus or not?
Well I'm not going alone.
No! You don't bring that skank on the bus, I told you!
You just don't get it, do you?
Damn.